What to Buy Me

I'm sure the question that's been keeping you awake at night is this: "What am I going to buy Jack Lynch for his birthday? After all, I've got only a few months to think this through."

Well, now you can put your mind at ease. You'll find a comprehensive list of possible gifts at

http://maybeyoushouldntbuythat.com/

Perhaps I should register; it would be embarrassing if two of you bought me the $2.4-million gold-cased, diamon-crusted iPhone with the 6.6-carat diamond on the center button.

If you're on a budget, the $2,800 pizza – topped with sunblush tomato pizza sauce, smoked salmon, venison medallions, cognac-marinated lobster, and champagne-soaked caviar – may be the best choice. Of course there's no better way to follow up a $2,800 pizza than with a $1.65-million fruitcake for dessert. And when the lost has made its way through me, off I'll go to the $32-million bathroom.

Swine Flu Cataclysm

I think I finally understand how health-related nomenclature works in the age of twenty-four-hour cable news:

• 1 unconfirmed case: the preferred term is "epidemic"; international news is preempted from the usual news broadcasts. Teasers between programs advise: "Is your child at risk of a lingering and painful death? — find out at eleven."
• 1 confirmed case: "pandemic"; all domestic news except high-profile sex scandals is preempted. Anderson Cooper announces a special investigation.
• 2–4 confirmed cases: "global panic"; cable news networks go into round-the-clock-coverage mode. New computer graphics are rolled out: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!"
• 5 or more confirmed cases: "apocalypse"; all coverage is devoted to the unfolding holocaust. Only stories about attractive white girls who've disappeared have any chance of bumping the global plague from the news.

Lexicographer's Dilemma

A few months ago I mentioned a book-in-progress, then called Proper Words in Proper Places. It's now in the works, and now sporting the title The Lexicographer's Dilemma: The Evolution of "Proper" English, from Shakespeare to South Park. As with my last few trade books, this one comes from Walker & Co. It's at long last beginning to feel real: I answered the copyeditor's queries last week, and now the book is promised for the end of October. Amazon.com even has a page for it, so I look forward to achieving best-seller status tout de suite.

(Okay, maybe not best-seller. But earlier today, the paperback edition of Becoming Shakespeare broke into the top 100,000 on Amazon.com, which ain't bad. Even Deception and Detection has cracked the top million. Look out J. K. Rowling.)

I Confess

It was me.

Progress

From Aphra Behn's Oroonoko, 1690:

I ought to tell you that the Christians never buy any slaves but they give 'em some name of their own, their native ones being likely very barbarous, and hard to pronounce.

From The Houston Chronicle, 2009:

A North Texas legislator during House testimony on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are "easier for Americans to deal with." ...

"Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?" Brown said. ... "Can't you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier ... if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that’s easier for Americans to deal with?"

Good News for a Change

The New York Times reports that the proposed stimulus plan will provide big money to education:

Stimulus Plan Would Provide Flood of Aid to Education

WASHINGTON — The economic stimulus plan that Congress has scheduled for a vote on Wednesday would shower the nation’s school districts, child care centers and university campuses with $150 billion in new federal spending, a vast two-year investment that would more than double the Department of Education’s current budget.

It seems only reasonable to assume "shower ... university campuses with $150 billion" means $150 billion for each campus. But even if it means $150 billion for the entire Rutgers system, Newark, being one of three campuses, should still expect $50 billion. I look forward to the faculty meeting when we figure out how to spend our billions. For one thing, I'd like to see starting faculty salaries around $15 million.

Books I Wish I Had Written

Now here's a title for you:

Pantology; or, A Systematic Survey of Human Knowledge: Proposing a Classification of All Its Branches, and Illustrating Their History, Relations, Uses, and Objects: With a Synopsis of Their Leading Facts and Principles: And a Select Catalogue of Books on All Subjects, Suitable for a Cabinet Library.

I was planning to write my own systematic survey of human knowledge, but now that I see someone has beaten me to it, I don't see the point.

Worst Ever?

Nothing very interesting in this piece from The Guardian:

The shoe attack on George Bush has added new urgency to a question that has been occupying American politicos for much of his second term. Has Bush been the worst US president ever? He was already challenging Richard Nixon for the title 18 months ago. His stock is now even lower. The Guardian's former US editor, Simon Tisdall, reckons Bush is possibly the worst in living memory.

The question is a source of increasing debate and blog chatter, as Bush's final day in office approaches – there are several blogs devoted to this subject alone, including The worst president ever and George W Bush is the worst president in US History. The footwear-throwing incident makes Bush a "shoe-in for worst president ever" a contributor quipped on the Huffington Post.

And it isn't just the usual-suspect bloggers and shoe-throwing journalists that rate Bush so poorly. In April, 61% of historians rated Bush the worst president ever.

Except, perhaps, for this ringing endorsement of the forty-third president:

The historians were accused of being "ax-grinding fools" by the conservative blogger Ross Douthat. He claims Bush is more likely to be forgotten than vilified by future historians.

With friends like these . . .

'Tis the Season

A hearty thumbs-up to friend Frank, who catches Gretchen Carlson of Fox News generously volunteering to give the First Amendment a one-day vacation:

I'm all for free speech and free rights, just not on December 25th.

Before the Cock Crow Twice, Thou Shalt Deny Me Thrice

From Salon:

Don't blame me for Bush, I voted for, uh, the other guy

By Alex Koppelman

Thursday, Dec. 11, 2008 12:11 EST

WASHINGTON -- There was a time, though admittedly it's hard to remember now, when George W. Bush was remarkably popular. So popular, in fact, that he easily won reelection four years ago, racking up what was the largest popular vote total for any presidential candidate until Barack Obama shattered it this year.

So it's a particularly amusing sign of how far the political climate has shifted that in the latest NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, only 33 percent of respondents admit to having voted for the guy twice, while 52 percent said they'd never voted for him at all. If that were actually true, of course, Bush would never have had the chance to run the country so firmly into the ground that people are now pretending they never liked him.

From Mark 14:

And as Peter was beneath in the palace, there cometh one of the maids of the high priest: And when she saw Peter warming himself, she looked upon him, and said, And thou also wast with Jesus of Nazareth. But he denied, saying, I know not, neither understand I what thou sayest. And he went out into the porch; and the cock crew. And a maid saw him again, and began to say to them that stood by, This is one of them. And he denied it again. And a little after, they that stood by said again to Peter, Surely thou art one of them: for thou art a Galilaean, and thy speech agreeth thereto. But he began to curse and to swear, saying, I know not this man of whom ye speak. And the second time the cock crew. And Peter called to mind the word that Jesus said unto him, Before the cock crow twice, thou shalt deny me thrice. And when he thought thereon, he wept.